“Though He slay me, yet
will I trust in Him.”
I realize that though I am
anchored to my Lord Jesus Christ, my decision-making engine and so many other
aspects of who I am are really anchored to my father. He has been a steady, patient man. Though a wise and observant young lady had to
bring this to my attention, he has been the most patient person I have ever
known. Being a child who grew up with
this father, that is a significant thing to say. Could my children say that about me? I cannot pinpoint his worst moment because he
was profoundly even. He is a far better
man than I, though you would never get him to agree to that.
His pain is excruciating. Yet, I get comfort by remembering the pain
that he went through when mom died; knowing that emotionally, that time was far
worse for him. His heart-wrenching cry
had stunned me as he expressed his depth of pain. That was his worst moment of pain. You can say this is his worst moment
period. There is no hint of anger, no
shadow of cursing; just crying out, “Lord, help me...”
Soon, they make him “comfortable” with pain killers. Now he is medicated and unaware, but still groaning in tortured sleep. This is agonizing to watch. I cannot do or say anything to help. As the day draws to a close and the wee hours of the next day start to tick by, I bury my feelings and keep watch. It will be that much sweeter when he is released from his body. The evening before, he was just marveling over his life, shaking his head with a look of wonder on his face; how he had been graciously kept and wonderfully gifted with good things from the Lord; good things that he knew he did not deserve. I will never forget that. He was ministering to me just as he was about to finish his race; still running, not slowing down for the finish line. But what is it like to be him right now?
“His Lord, his Savior is
right there with him. This isn’t torture. This is what it is to triumph in Christ.”
The hospital staff asks me
if I’m okay. “Yes. It’s all in the Lord’s hands”, I tell
them. They seem to understand.
After going home to get a
few hours of rest, we come back to the hospital and he has gone to his true
home. Not only is it a release from the
nightmare, but it is exactly what he had been wanting. Do not misunderstand and think he was
suicidal. He was determined to exercise
and follow doctor’s instructions to the T.
He exercised for an hour every day – even the day he went into the
hospital. I conclude that his body had
him trapped in these last few hours as I witnessed the struggle between his
spirit wanting to go and the body fighting to stay alive. Human-kind is a pure picture of conflict
isn’t it?
Seeing Dad leave seems to
be a lot harder than seeing Mom leave, and that was certainly not easy. She left seven and one-third years ago. Dad had been hoping to go home every day
since then. I was hoping the Lord would
come first because I knew Dad was my anchor point. Being older now, I am worried about how this
will really hit me. I stuffed all of
this negativity into a box and closed the lid, knowing that although I can make
an attempt to keep my eyes and heart on the One who is the Great Physician -
the Great Shepherd - the Healer, there will be consequences to being exposed to
this harsh reality. After leaning on Him
to pilot me through this day of death, I worry about the night to come. Will that box of negativity stay shut? Will the lid come off during my sleep? Will the lid come off in public? I cannot handle this on my own. If Dad struggled with these types of things,
I never knew it.
“Thou wilt keep him in
perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee:”
If I had arrived two hours
earlier the afternoon before, I could have told him to greet Mom for me. Would that work? Not only will he be blissfully occupied by His
gracious Savior, but he will no longer have to exist in this dark world without
his wife. Not only is Mom there, but so
is a miscarried grandchild that we never got to know. I wonder if he will find that out rather
quickly once he arrives.
“This world really is not
dark when the Lord is immediately available with His swift, sure hand – ready
to save.”
The Lord is so very
good. His timing on all of this was
absolutely perfect. I slept the sleep of
the blessed the next night. He kept the
lid tightly fastened on that bad box. He
will keep it on as long as it is necessary and will temper the contents for His
own glory.
READER, TAKE NOTE: This unobtrusive, patient, thankful, quiet
and humble man never promoted himself or his family. He never would have thought to take a
self-promotional picture of himself and put it on Facebook. He wasn’t concerned with social networking or
climbing ladders of personal achievement or wealth. He had no friends waiting to see his status
message. He was concerned about
preparing for and providing for the welfare of his family, from his own parents
to the wife that he knew he did not deserve. His concern also included attendance at the
meetings with the Lord’s people – in the Lord’s presence - whenever possible.
Dad constantly lived in
the wonder of gratefulness instead of the bitterness of self promotion. No matter what happened, he was getting better
than he deserved. There was no masterful
use of the spoken word or emotionalism.
There was no eloquence of speech to convince me of some right way of
living. Example spoke louder than any
words. He has programmed me in a right
way. I need to stick with the
program. He lived out a heroic life
showing the simplicity of Christ in a world full of the complications of
treachery and darkness.
“The LORD is my strength and song, and He is become
my salvation: He is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my
father's God, and I will exalt him.”
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